Bond here, Bartholomew Bond.

Reality star, entrepreneur, philanthropist and gentleman. Pleased to meet you.

I like my dogitinis shaken, not stirred, my conversations scintillating, and my women…

Well, if you follow my show you’ll end up finding that last one out, won’t you? As much as I’d like to ‘spill the beans’ as they say, I’m under contract not to talk about the show or the hot bitches vying for my attention.

But I can talk about some of the other things in my life.

A rich dog as myself could rest back on his laurels (like some other dogs we know, Gunther IV, I’m looking at you), but I believe in looking out for those less fortunate then myself. Especially the homeless dogs and cats.

In fact, I do have something exciting to share with you. I have an upcoming, week-long soiree on my yacht. We’ll be sailing the South Pacific to my private island.

Before you start barking to yourselves that I am nothing more than a rich dog with too much time on his paws, I’ll let you know something: this is a fund-raising event. Many of the glitterati of both the human and dog (even some cats are joining in) kind are joining me.

I am nervous on two counts, however. The first is to do with Ellen DeGeneres. You may know her. This hilarious human has a talk show and is very much an advocate of animalkind, something I am for. And Ellen has a beautiful wife who is just as devoted.

Don’t you think they would make a fabulous addition to my cruise?

I have sent them an invite. The cruise is not until New Year’s, so we have a little time. But I would love for Ellen to join. I wonder if she will reply?

Secondly, I invited an old friend Happa, and a certain yellow Labrador named Gordi.

Ah, Gordi. All long legs and golden tresses. A modelling dog who had a heart of gold and the soul of a real lady.We had a thing back in the day. It has been years, but…she accepted my invitation.

I wonder what she looks like now?